Skip to main content
2:30 am
and, and in the process, we've totally [bleeped] your career. >> that's what i'm saying. career is over. >> jon: not at all. great to see you, man. >> thanks for having me on. >> come back and see us again some time when you're putting together anything excited we need to know about. >> no, pretty much just wanted to come on the show for the people that really hate me. some people just don't like anything about me. i'm still here. can i tell you something? >> jon: he's a very pleasant man. fun at parties. that is correct, as well. "born free" is in the stores right now. you can catch kid rock on tour. you can buy bad ass beer. you can only buy it in singles, though, unfortunately. >> only in michigan. >> jon: only in michigan and only in singles. good to see you. kid rock. [cheering and applause] what's up, smart?
2:31 am
2:32 am
oh, just booked a summer vaycay. ooo. sounds pricey? nah, with the summer sale, you can find awesome deals for places nearby. interesting... wow, i'm blown away.
2:33 am
you look great. summer sale, save up to 30%. and get a free kindle. be smart. book smart.
2:34 am
>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. another guest will be here. [laughter] i don't... i can't think of the name.
2:35 am
here it is, your moment of zen. >> she's actually very talented. if you go to the end of the hbo special, the lady gaga hbo special and you watch her sing a cappella "born this way," she captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( applause ) [cheers and applause]
2:36 am
>> stephen: very nice. [cheers and applause] [crowd chanting stephen] [cheers and applause] thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. thank you for is joining us. that is the pure uncut stuff you just gave me. i wish i could cook you people up in a spoon. folks, we are only 16 months away from the 2012 presidential election. i'm as excited as a kid on the 483rd night before christmas. [laughter] and what's got me jazzed is that the republican field is brimming with superstars. i don't know how i'll decide between the ten of them. it's like an all-you-can-eat you got white bread,
2:37 am
white rice, cream of wheat, potatoes, mash potatoes, boiled potatoes, potato flakes, mayonnaise, packing peanuts, and for dessert: herman cain. [cheers and applause] that was tasty. jimmy, give me some more of that sweet candy cain. ♪ he's a true son of the south born and raised the american way ♪ his dad was a farmer with clothes on his back but he raised some cain and never looked back herman cain ♪ oh, herman cain ♪ get aboard the herman cain train >> stephen: wooh! i am on board the herman cain
2:38 am
train! the main cain train! partly because when it comes to presidential candidates, i'm names. and i am insane in the membrane for herman cain. he's hotter than propane. though, he should use some rogaine. [laughter] it's herman for sure-man. he drinks tequila, and leaves the worm in. [laughter] the other candidates are squirmin'. i've determined he's not german. plus the other reason i like him is you know cain is fiscally conservative, because that video could not have cost more than $12. [cheers and applause] that's my man. that's the guy! and i'm mostly excited because cain is going to be my guest on thursday, july 28th. write that on your ipad in ink! [laughter] he will not only be sitting down with me but with the head of colbert super pac.
2:39 am
and that guy is looking to endorse somebody. [laughter] of course, before i endosed him, cain would have to sign this-- my candidate's pledge-- first. it's blank right now. i don't have any idea what it is. i would get him to sign a blank piece of paper and it will be something good, america and stuff like that. but i've got to get one because everyone who's anyone in republican circles has one. grover nor quist has an antitax pledge. senator jim demint got an anti-earmark pledge, and i'm pretty sure mitch mcconnell has inspired millions to take an abstinence pledge. [laughter] but right now scandal is rocking the republican pledge-scape. for more, let's go to me on a different camera. [laughter] thanks stephen.
2:40 am
there's something called the "marriage vow" put out by the iowa conservative christian group, the family leader and it's head, bob vander plaatz. in the 14-point pledge candidates have to first vow "personal fidelity to my spouse." it's essential for candidates to swear to that one. cuz that vow they said at their wedding (bleep). this is something binding -- a pdf sent to you by some guy named vander plaatz. [ applause ] the rest of the pledge defends marriage by vowing "vigorous opposition to intimate unions which are bigamous, polygamous, polyandrous, same sex, etc." [laughter] that et cetera is an essential catch-all, because there's a lot of freaky stuff goin' on in iowa. [laughter] okay? man on corn, corn on man, corn
2:41 am
on cob, butter on corn on cob on man. but i know what you're thinking, "stephen, that sounds delicious, [laughter] but i thought you said this pledge had something controversial in it." well, it does. in the preamble to the pledge. here on the first page. >> it says that slavery had a disastrous impact on african-american families, yet sadly a child born into slavery in 1860 was more likely to be raised by his mother and father in a two-parent household than was african-american baby born after the election of the first of usa's first african-american president. >> stephen: tough medicine, but it's true. under slavery not only did black kids have a father and a mother, but a lot of time they had a biological father who also owned them. that's being invested in your kids lives. [laughter]
2:42 am
so far only two candidates have had the courage to sign the pledge. one was former public figure rick santorum. jim? >> this is a pledge you would sign? >> in fact i actually did sign, yes. >> you did sign it. >> look, when i first read it i was taken aback, but i can't argue that i wasn't. >> stephen: yes, he signed it, but only after he was taken aback, okay? goes like this. oh, my god. oh, no. what the -- what the -- (bleep) okay. [laughter] [cheers and applause] but the other person to step up, do the right thing and sign the pledge is michele bachmann who used the public backlash against the preamble's insensitive slavery reference to
2:43 am
make a sensitive slavery reference. >> here is the statement against her spokeswoman. she believes slavery was horrible and economic enslavement is also horrible. >> yes, taxation is economic slavery. and michele bachmann stands up against slavery in all forms-- whether it's the slavery of healthcare-- >> this is slavery. it's nothing more than slavery. >> stephen: the slavery of the national debt-- >> it is a slavery, it is a slavery that is a bondage to debt and a bondage to decline. >> stephen: or slavery of the loins-- >> if you're involved in the gay and lesbian lifestyle, it's bondage. it is personal bondage, personal despair and personal enslavement. >> stephen: yes, personal enslavement. or personal domination, depending on what role you're playing that night. the important thing is to have a personal safe-word. perhaps bachmann.
2:44 am
you see, she's sensitive to the pain of slavery because to her, everything is slavery. "dont' walk" signs -- that's just ambulatory slavery. [laughter] fat free cheese -- that's just flavor slavery or "flavory." [laughter] the family leader has pulled the slavery statement from the preamble but these two signed it before they took the slavery language out. and i hope they live by those words. but with all these pledges out there, how can candidates keep track of everything they're supposed to be honoring? well, i'm proud to introduce stephen colbert's pledge shock collar. [laughter] it's the same sound-recognition technology that trains dogs to stop barking. it's got two electrodes, right here. you just strap it on the candidate like this. get that sucker on there nice. and tight. okay. there you go.
2:45 am
okay. now. the candidate wears it, and if the candidate ever forgets the pledges he has signed and -- i don't know -- says that we should raise taxes on the top two per-- arrrrgggghhh! [ applause ] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause]
2:46 am
2:47 am
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you very much. [cheers and applause] nation, all's fair when it comes to covering presidential candidates but there are some things in politics that are off-limits -- like a candidates' spouse or children. but lately, the blame-stream media has started going after michele bachmann's husband dr. marcus bachmann. they're attacking his christian psycho-therapy business in an attempt to ruin his good name. >> dr. bachmann's brand of counseling is highly controversial and could become a campaign issue.
2:48 am
dr. bachmann runs a christian counseling firm. that at times, according to former patients, has tried to convert gay men into heterosexuals through christian prayer. >> stephen: christianity is the only way to cure gayness. just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth. [laughter] now in the past, dr. bachmann has denied that his counseling center engages in gay therapy. but the gay rights organization "truth wins out" sent an undercover homosexual, posing as an over-cover homosexual, to record his counselors with secret homosexual cameras. jim? >> he could cure your homosexuality? >> yes. >> is that what he said? >> yes. >> the truth is god has designed our eyes to be attracted to the women's body, to be attracted to everything, to be attracted to her breasts.
2:49 am
>> stephen: yes! breasts! thank you, jesus! [laughter] god wants us to stare at them! that's why he put those little things on the tip -- what do you call them? little chest penises? whatever, niblets. whatever! and when the gay man asked the counselor if it was advisable to attend a friends' gay wedding, the counselor recommended he go with "a heterosexual accountability buddy in tow." [laughter] sound advice. when going to a same sex gay wedding, always bring another dude. [laughter] that way he can drink with you, dance with you, and share a hotel room with you. remember -- insist on one king sized bed. because two queens is kind of gay. [laughter] [cheers and applause]
2:50 am
normally, i'm as straight as the next guy, but tonight, my next guy is our guest dan savage. he is weapons-grade gay. and he's the worst kind, too: smart, thoughtful, charming, and he always smells like the first day of spring. [laughter] so to steel myself for his appearance tonight, i'm going to bring my own heterosexual accountability buddy to keep me on the straight and narrow-minded. okay, i'll get my building manager tad out here. tad? >> stephen: so, you're a heterosexual, right? >> exactly, i'm a confirmed bachelor. i would never marry a woman. >> stephen: smart man. keeping your options open. >> right, i don't want to get tied down. i want to be available-- for women. >> stephen: great- are you busy right now?
2:51 am
>> well, now's not a great time. i have some guys over here, we were going to go down to the boiler room. >> stephen: to fix the boiler? >> sure. >> stephen: well, that's going to have to wait. i need a full-time handyman for a very rough job. >> to help with the interview? >> stephen: sure. >> okay. >> stephen: when we come back, tad and i will go down on -- sit down on -- sit down with dan savage.
2:52 am
wait, you have something right? of course. ugh. ♪ [ male announcer ] icy cool intensity so you're prepared no matter how close you get. where were we? dentyne ice. practice safe breath.
2:53 am
2:54 am
2:55 am
[cheers and applause] >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is a nationally syndicated sex advice columnist, who says monogamy is out-dated. you know what never goes out of style? hell. please welcome dan savage! let's go, tad. let's go! come on! let's go! [cheers and applause] wooh! [cheers and applause] dan this, is tad, he is my heterosexuality accountability buddy. >> looves familiar. >> stephen: go packers! you are the country's leading
2:56 am
sex advice columnist. you are an author. you started the it gets better project this fall. in the tphorbgts magazine there's a recent piece about you. in it you say a successful marriage, one of keys is eliminating the requirement of monogamy. >> not exactly what i said. >> stephen: you said we shouldn't be -- >> you sid it shouldn't be the open characteristic of a marriage. >> stephen: if you don't make that. did you vow to be mon nothing muss with your husband? >> no. >> stephen: that's a a marriage it's a joint checking account. [laughter] >> are the clintons married? >> stephen: i don't know. >> are the vitter's married? exsenator ensign do -- is he married? we only here monogamy that is a
2:57 am
part of marriage. we never hear -- >> stephen: we do. you are saying we shouldn't put so much weight on it? >> we're bad ate it. look at the clinton, look at the vitter's, the limbaugh's -- >> stephen: i know i should do crunches. >> but your marriage doesn't collapse. >> stephen: my heart fails. marriage is an exercise. you have to work at it. what is heaven for if you don't set these goal? >> if people make a monogamous commitment they should try to honor it. many people who believe they are in monogamous relationships and those who made the commitment will fall short and then what? should it be a relationship end ending event. or should it be something that you should be able to get past. the marriage should be expected to survive.
2:58 am
>> stephen: that is not what you are saying. you are back pedaling? >> i'm not. >> stephen: high five, buddy. you were actually saying that playing around outside a relationship can be good. >> it can save a marriage at times. >> stephen: fooling around can save a marriage. thank you for saying that. [laughter] because i have been saying for years that gay people are trying to destroy the institution of marriage and now that you are married you are destroying it from the inside. >> gay people are forcing straight foam admit they redefined marriage decades ago. it was a property transaction where a man took possession of another man's property, daughter and then wife. >> stephen: i still believe in a dowry. i got many cattle when i got married. >> it's a legal union of two equals and they get to define it. it could be monogamou s,
2:59 am
religious or not. it's up to that couple. that institution. there's no logical case that can be made to exclude gay peoples from an intuition that doesn't include straight couples monogamous or not. >> stephen: have you had affairs? >> it depends is it adultery if i'm committing it at one end of the guy and he is committing it at the other end of the same -- same guy? >> tailgating. >> stephen: go packers. >> chain saws. [laughter] >> stephen: you say -- you say that in sexual relationships one of reasons why

The Colbert Report
Comedy Central July 13, 2011 2:30am-3:00am PDT

Dan Savage News/Business. Dan Savage. (2011) Author Dan Savage '('The Commitment Love, Sex, Marriage, and My Family'). (CC)

TOPIC FREQUENCY Herman Cain 5, Michele Bachmann 3, Dr. Bachmann 3, Cain 2, Michigan 2, Potato Flakes 1, White Rice 1, Polygamous 1, Tow 1, Heaven 1, Polyandrous 1, Look 1, Go Packers 1, Wgbh 1, Niblets 1, Aback 1, Legal Union 1, Iowa 1, Bob Vander Plaatz 1, Rick Santorum 1
Network Comedy Central
Duration 00:30:00
Rating PG-13
Scanned in San Francisco, CA, USA
Source Comcast Cable
Tuner Port 5678
Video Codec mpeg2video
Audio Cocec mp2
Pixel width 720
Pixel height 480
Sponsor Internet Archive
Audio/Visual sound, color

disc Borrow a DVD of this show
info Stream Only
Uploaded by
TV Archive
on 7/13/2011